It took me over a decade, but I finally saw Godzilla. The Matthew Broderick 1998 version, I mean.

Wow. Terrible.

I try to enjoy what everyone else trashes, because it’s the easiest way to be a bitchin’ nonconformist. But I could not do it with this movie. I’ve seen a thousand “giant monster” films, and even the worst of them had some charm. Here? No.

Everything about it was bad. By the time my mental bullet list grew to 37 lines – and I believe #37 was “Could they have chosen worse music even if limited to tracks from Ace of Base’s seminal album, Happy Nation?” – I gave up and agreed with the critics.

Still, I’m not sorry that they made it. Without 1998’s Godzilla, we wouldn’t have gotten 1998’s Godzilla Koosh ball.

You all remember the Koosh fad, I’m sure. Millions of rubber strings working together as a weird ball, ready to stretch and smoosh all of life’s little stresses away.

Well, at some point, King Koosh decided that his empire would grow to new heights by sticking heads, arms and feet into the things. I’m not sure how many “Koosh characters” came to fruition, but as the photo proves, there was a Godzilla version at the very least.

He’s awesome. They even used specially colored filaments to match Godzilla’s grey-green skin. He can’t stand without using his tail for balance, and sure, he looks a bit like Godzilla-as-a-Fry-Guy, but the fact remains that Koosh balls are infinitely more interesting with dragon limbs.

Also: Note the bunch of looped Koosh strings just behind Godzilla’s head. That means I can hang him from my rearview. I won’t, but it does mean I could.

There’s the header card. Not very interesting, but I didn’t want anyone to hatch the theory that I simply disassembled a Godzilla figure and glued the parts into a Koosh ball, all to perpetuate the idea that these really existed. I’m not a bad guy.

I am now the proud owner of the “Creatures of the World” Jungle Playset, starring 21 animals of all shapes and sizes.

Not a bad thing to be, especially for the low price of 2.99.

After assembling my figures into the rough form of a backyard bash, I grew awestruck at the quiet but striking pandemonium that permeated every facet of my condensed animal kingdom.

There was law and order to this kingdom, yes, but not the kind you’d see in a back issue of National Geographic.

These animals devised and play by their own rules…mainly out of necessity, because nobody ever bothered to identify the communicative intricacies shared between birds that are larger than hippos and lions with demon maws.

Highlights, as I see them:

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My nephew gave me this for Christmas. I never got a chance to thank him, as I spent our traditional midnight gift swap blitzed to the point of unconsciousness. For all I know, he’s still offended.

The important thing is, I’m one Freddy Krueger richer.

As part of Funko’s “Pop!” vinyl figure collection, Freddy has joined the likes of Gizmo, Beetlejuice and even a flying monkey from Oz.

I love what they’ve done with his skin. It looks more like innocent paper mache than burned flesh. It’s three ounces of imitation lava away from becoming an incredible science fair project.

The inclusion of teddy bear-style eyes really boosts his gregarious air. I would absolutely trust this version of Freddy with my imaginary children. Things with teddy bear-style eyes are never up to no good.

Me: Hi Freddy, how goes?

Freddy: ….

Me: Not feeling chatty?

Freddy: ….

Me: Is this because you have no mouth?

Freddy: ….

Me: You know Freddy, ellipses have three dots. Not four.

Freddy: …

I must have endured absolute failure in at least 20 different versions of Toys “R” Us shopping spree contests as a kid. The concept just never got old. It still hasn’t.

Every time one of them popped up, I’d lose myself for hours in daydreams about zipping through toy aisles with overstuffed carts. Thoughts like those were as close to getting high as most eight-year-olds ever came.

A few years ago, I actually went on my own little Toys “R” Us shopping spree. Sure, it was my own money, and sure, I was around twenty years too old to be doing it with any degree of reason. Still had fun, and still love my giant, rubber, two-headed dragon.

Part 1!
Part 2!
Part 3!

Every ingredient sounds cool, but I’m especially impressed with those “battle campaign stickers.” I expect that they would’ve included images of Sectaurs pointing at me, with word balloons encouraging the dismemberment of other Sectaurs.

Like Warriors of Symbion? Here’s something old and huge.

I’m not a Power Rangers expert. I definitely loved Lord Zedd, and I still consider the five part Green Ranger intro the reason television at large was a success, but beyond that, everything fuzzes.

Like, this guy here. Clearly recognize him. One of Rita’s old gophers. But my memories ended there, and I’m ashamed to admit that I had to Wiki my ass off to relearn his name: BABOO.

Hmm. Is it missing parts of his wings? I can’t remember if Baboo’s wings really were this bony. Perhaps the wings were purely cosmetic? Not great for flying, but awesome for attracting other Baboos.