It took me over a decade, but I finally saw Godzilla. The Matthew Broderick 1998 version, I mean.

Wow. Terrible.

I try to enjoy what everyone else trashes, because it’s the easiest way to be a bitchin’ nonconformist. But I could not do it with this movie. I’ve seen a thousand “giant monster” films, and even the worst of them had some charm. Here? No.

Everything about it was bad. By the time my mental bullet list grew to 37 lines – and I believe #37 was “Could they have chosen worse music even if limited to tracks from Ace of Base’s seminal album, Happy Nation?” – I gave up and agreed with the critics.

Still, I’m not sorry that they made it. Without 1998’s Godzilla, we wouldn’t have gotten 1998’s Godzilla Koosh ball.

You all remember the Koosh fad, I’m sure. Millions of rubber strings working together as a weird ball, ready to stretch and smoosh all of life’s little stresses away.

Well, at some point, King Koosh decided that his empire would grow to new heights by sticking heads, arms and feet into the things. I’m not sure how many “Koosh characters” came to fruition, but as the photo proves, there was a Godzilla version at the very least.

He’s awesome. They even used specially colored filaments to match Godzilla’s grey-green skin. He can’t stand without using his tail for balance, and sure, he looks a bit like Godzilla-as-a-Fry-Guy, but the fact remains that Koosh balls are infinitely more interesting with dragon limbs.

Also: Note the bunch of looped Koosh strings just behind Godzilla’s head. That means I can hang him from my rearview. I won’t, but it does mean I could.

There’s the header card. Not very interesting, but I didn’t want anyone to hatch the theory that I simply disassembled a Godzilla figure and glued the parts into a Koosh ball, all to perpetuate the idea that these really existed. I’m not a bad guy.

I don’t know if I should be honored or offended.

A reader named Stina, from California I think, was out shopping when she spotted a familiar face on the signage for a “wacky contact lenses” stand.

That face was mine.

Yes, the makers of “Krazy Lenses” saw fit to use yours truly as part of their promotional spread.

They took the image from this article, published as part of X-E’s 2004 Halloween Countdown.

For all I know, they’ve been making millions off my twisted face for over seven years now.

You know what? I don’t care.

I don’t care that they stole my photo without asking.

I don’t care that they didn’t offer me a free pair of “Wizard Nut Bamboozle Snake” lenses.

I don’t even care that it’s a horrible old picture, where my head seems to be shaped like a Ferrara Pan candy mascot.

I’ll take fame wherever I can. Even from flea market contact lens vendors.

Big thanks to Stina for both finding this and somehow recognizing me. And thanks to Krazy Lenses, those thieving shitballs, for making Monday so much more interesting than it would’ve been otherwise.

Monster begs me to go back to sleep. Monster is so right.

Aha! I bought these last October and misplaced them until roughly ten minutes ago.

Amazing set of stickers, and they only cost a buck.

It isn’t easy to pick a favorite, and I’m not man enough to christen any of these stickers King of the Sheet.

However, I’ve narrowed it down to two contenders.

It’s either the reaper on the upper left, or the “BLOOD!” cleaver in the bottom row.

Actually, no, it’s definitely the reaper. Love how he’s wagging his finger, as if to say that doom is your destiny and you were foolish to ever consider otherwise.

All hail Doom Reaper, King of the Sheet.

Best 35 seconds you’ll spend today.