I just cut this from the back of one of my umpteen boxes of ancient TMNT Cereal. You know, with the crunchy ninja nets.

Hated the cereal, loved the theme – and especially loved its corresponding freebies. Nothing could top that Honey Ooze fiasco, but this comes damn close.

It was a contest to win every single Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toy. Every last one.

And this wasn’t from the early point in the line, when there were only ten figures and an inflatable blimp. Look at that spread! Krang! Mondo Gecko! That weird contraption that catapulted mutagen out of a garbage can! Genghis Frog!

The box’s side panel was a dream crusher, listing your odds of winning at 1 in 84,000. They also estimated the prize’s value at $782.72, which, to a ten-year-old eating breakfast while staring at a picture of every goddamned TMNT toy imaginable, may as well have been ten billion dollars.

I’m so glad I didn’t know about this in 1991. I’d have spent every waking moment dreaming of a victory that would never come. I can just imagine the excruciating daily wait for the mailman to waltz up to our door with a 200’ box. Maddening.

Click here to see the contest ad, full-sized.