Told you it was in my trunk. You’re my excuse to finally drag it out.

When we went to that horror convention last September, my absolute favorite part was the dealer room, where dozens of vendors competed for my money with a slew of gory action figures, bootleg DVDs and crazy contact lenses. (Yes, this was where MM’s red eyes were discovered.)

This…THING…which has sat in my trunk since then, was my best find. I practically fell to my knees when I saw it, which, in retrospect, wasn’t the best strategy in a room where everyone liked to haggle. The guy selling this had to know that I would’ve sooner sliced my wrists on the spot than leave without it. To his credit, he still knocked $5 off the price.

It’s the best thing $20 could ever buy:

…an enormous promotional standee, depicting the Creature from the Black Lagoon holding a bottle of Mountain Dew Pitch Black II.

Yesssss.

I haven’t written much about Gillman, but he’s always been one of my favorite monsters. Why wouldn’t he be? He’s a scary fish guy with neat hands. He adheres to the strict rule of antihero omerta. He’s jade green, or at least partially so. There’s a lot to love about Gillman, especially now that he’s been revealed as a Pitch Black enthusiast.

You know how I feel about Pitch Black. To me, it’s the embodiment of Halloween. I don’t view it as soda. It’s a symbol. A symbol of stormy nights, bloody movies and Oreo cookies with orange crème filling. Pitch Black is the summarization of Halloween, which is a pretty huge achievement for a soda that comes and goes less often than the McRib.

Even when I’m actively trying to clear the clutter from my life, I have no regrets about buying this. If I can find a good, static place to set this up when my office is done, that spot will become my altar. Drippy candles and wild incense will flank its floor-side corners. Gillman will be God. The bottle of soda will be his Infinity Gauntlet. I will close the blinds.