I believe we must continue candy-ing.
Giant Gobstopper: Yeah, disregard the pack of Beemans gum. It’s only there for scale purposes. I do NOT wish to write about Beemans gum. Not now, not ever.
You’ve likely had a giant Gobstopper/Jawbreaker before. They’re the candies nobody finishes. It’s impossible. Either you get full, or you just throw in the towel from plain mouth fatigue.
Then you sit the half-eaten candy on the table beside you, and stare. It no longer rolls, but it isn’t exactly still. It’s almost as if there’s a small creature inside, haplessly attempting to claw its way out. You’ll never know for sure, because nobody finishes a giant Gobstopper.
PS: They charged me three bucks for this stupid thing. I have to say, for candy that was produced during the administration of Dwight D. Eisenhower, their prices were a little insane. But where else can you find giant Gobstoppers and the Body of Christ at the same time?
Big League Chew: People like to pretend that Big League Chew is some rare artifact, but it really isn’t. It’s still sold pretty much everywhere.
We pretend it’s rare so we have an excuse to celebrate every time we see it.
Because let’s face it, we do.
We point and stare and marvel. We tell everyone to gather around, like it’s the score of the century. Then we do the same thing the following week, in a different store, surrounded by different people.
It’s time to drop the charade. It’s okay to be excited about Big League Chew. We don’t have to pretend that it’s some near-mythological treasure to cover ourselves. Everyone loves and appreciates grapey gum, shredded to mimic chewing tabackee. We don’t need the fake extra reason. Stop it.
ICEE Spray Candy: The store had an unusually high number of ICEE-themed candies, but this was the only true keeper.
Binaca that tastes like a cherry Slurpee is the kind of invention that surely made someone a billionaire. Every blast is an invigorating sting of artificial fruit and sorbium petroliate maximus.
I also imagine that you could use it like mace on featherweight assailants who don’t warrant a stronger defense.
More candy to come.